It
was January. It was quiet and cool
as I lied in my bed, and it was almost tranquil, if not for gasps that escaped
my attempts to suppress my sobs.
Earlier that day, I was laughing at gymnastics practice, ready to run,
flip, and train for what was supposed to be my best competitive season
yet. But, because of a line that
ran through my bone on my CT scan, and call from my doctor, my season was
short.
After
a month or so, I realized that my season was over. On doctor’s orders, the only way I was allowed to show
up to competitions was if I had crutches under my arms, and at point I began to
lose hope. My teammates began
surpassing what I could do, leaving my crutches and I in the dust. As I looked at “what could have
been”—the medals I could have won, and the adventures I could have gone on, I
continued to cry.
It
is now May. And I no longer
continue to cry. I decided that I
could not let one tragic event shape who I am, and who I will become. I decided that it was time to move
on. I decided that this one thing
should not prevent me from doing what I can do. Therefore, I threw myself into my newfound passion of broad
journalism. I dedicated all
the passion that I had for gymnastics to my love for telling a story. Because of that decision, I know
realize that it is my new goal to be successful in broadcast journalism,
despite the challenges and struggles that my passion will bring. Furthermore, I realized that the choices
we make and the attitude we display that define who we are. This, I believe.
Hi Leah,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy your essay, it is short, simple, and to the point. I really like the lesson you believe in because so many athletes can relate to it. Your introduction to the essay was very detailed and specific. Your essay really flows and is easy to follow. One thing I would recommend you to do is add more details and specifics on why you chose to put all your time and dedication into broadcast journalism so the reader can have a better understanding. Another thing is maybe adding more details and specifics of how miserable you were during the time when all you could do is watch your teammates from the sidelines. Other than that your essay is great. Good Job!
-Mikayla Domingo
hey leah! I really like the way your essay flows. I could relate to how you were feeling because I know what it is like to be injured. One thing you could probably add is some things that this experience helped you in broadcast such as certain skills that you gained. great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Leah,
ReplyDeleteNice job on this draft. *chuckle* I can tell that you had to rush on it because it's not your usual careful development of an essay...but, as your teammates have said, it tells the story well and it has an effective beginning, middle, and end. For the revision, add details...perhaps describe a particular skill or move that you were trying to perfect when your season came to an end.
Then, when you share your new found passion, describe some of the skills you now employ in the same way.
Some mechanical things: "lay in my bed" not "lied in my bed" "leaving my crutches and me" not "I"
Some parallel structure could be developed more fully
You can even "parallel" your two passions/skills. For example, my daughter once wrote a paper about writing and constructed an implied metaphor to skiing...key concept was "parallel" :)
mrs s