As I work amidst the scattered pieces of school work that cover the floor, my desk, and the chairs, I look around. I see papers, projects, and scripts that continue to surround me—all waiting to be completed. My laptop beeps a reply to me, signaling that it’s expecting my work. Switching from one project to the next, the room seems to shrink in size, robbing my brain of oxygen. That’s when I know that I need to break out.
The crisp ocean air brushes the tips of my fingers as I begin to emerge through the great sliding door. Completely outside, I close the door, creating a barrier between me, and the horrid deadlines that continuously control me. However, when I’m here, nothing can control me.
The mountainous views create a shadow against my face, masking me from the sun. Therefore, I’m able to enjoy the presence of the water, the sky, and the boats that clam my frazzled thoughts by showing me that true harmony is possible. It utterly amazes me how each element seems to agree with the next, creating nature for the rest of us to enjoy.
With my forearms rested on the railing, and my toes wiggling over the ledge, I let my thoughts roam free into the distance. The sparkling ocean waves enter my brain and take away my worries with each crash. My mind now clear of all restraints, I’m able to focus on the sole issue that takes over my train of thought.
Reflecting back, this exact spot has always been mine. It’s been there to catch me when I crash, and pick me up when I’m down. The everlasting beauty of nature is always able to guide me through my biggest issues. The way it’s able to combine my thoughts and create the ultimate solution is practically magical.
As the chill breeze nips my skin, my body shivers in refreshment. Now, with clear thoughts, an open mind, and a positive attitude, I’m ready to head inside strive for the best.
Hey Leah,
ReplyDeleteI think your paper is clearly too advanced than expected. I mean this in a good way!:) You have various amounts of vivid descriptions that flow perfectly through your paper. I liked how you knew how to organize all your events to fit in nicely. I think what made it over the top was your choice in grammar. How you used words like amidst, mountainous, frazzled, emerges, etc. It shows you put a lot of effort into writing your draft. Although there is 1 grammatical error I think you should fix. It's your last sentence where you put "I'm ready to head inside strive for the best" , i think it should be "I'm ready to head back inside and strive for the best"
- Angelica <3
Leah I got to agree with ANgelica. THis is a great essay. I like the way you describe the open view and the ocean. You make me wish i had a place that was similar. I reall cant see and grammatical errors.
ReplyDeleteBryson CASTRO
Hi Leah,
ReplyDeleteNice job on the essay. Smoothly organized, combining spatial and narrative elements.
What I'd recommend for the revision is a bit more detail about the place itself. You describe the view and how it affects you; also describe the balcony or lanai on which you are standing because it is part of the place and makes it different from just looking out a window onto that view.
As far as critiques, Angelica's was pretty specific. Bryson's needed to be developed more.
Great job!
mrs s